Because I am, whatever I say I am

I rarely talk about this, or I think I do, because some of you guys, the people I’d rather be spending my days doing stuff with – Rather than work, pay bills, & try to live healthily and happy in between, somehow.

You have confided in me with some real McCoy, true grit life changing hardships & mine feels minor in comparison. The fact that some of you are still kicking around & carrying on – whether it be after a lost family member, a traumatic event,  or mistakes that you made that you always keep close by to remind you – I’m reminded of these things,and when I am they always herald the end of my foggy, dark slump. And they make me stronger. I know right?  Totally thriving on your spirit energy, how sneaky! (Ha – dbz reference for you folks that didn’t watch Saturday cartoons in the nineties. You missed out, and my entire generation was raised by them. Well, and also you parents. You’re legit. )
Anyways, before my drive leaves me and I go back to my mountain peak to avoid the world below – I return to my point.
My family moved a lot as we grew up. Like,  a lot. Way too much. So ridiculous was the amount of times, that I have actually lost count, but I will make an honest guess.  (“At least” eight or so schools all throughout preschool to the seventh grade where we landed here in shelbyville & stayed. That number does not reflect how many actual home moves occurred. Those I lost count of. )
Now that number may not seem all that high, but I assure you, the people lost along the way far exceeded that number, and their worth immeasurable to a kid.
My brother never really talks about it, but I’m certain he has a tally of his own he thinks about from time to time. However, out of the two of us, I’m the dweller’on of bad things. I think he had always been the better at moving on & keeping focus ahead.

At each of these schools, in each of these towns, I fell in with certain groups of friends. We were all kids, but now that I look back on it,  they weren’t all good friends. They could have proven absolutely volatile in the future in some cases. I also had, in a few of these places, childhood enemies too. Only a couple, but they were significant barriers and even more significant lessons.

I was most of the time, a very overly nice kid. Overly playful. Overly filled with humor. Overly too focused on making money early in life. Overall, overly content in each city.
The dark side was equivalent. Overly prone to bouts of misplaced anger. Overly focused on issues a kid had no right to pay attention to. Overly sensitive to change. Overly resentful.

All of this shaped me into who I am today. Most people seem to like it, some are hesitant to accept it. Others poke and prod, looking for cracks. And the few that don’t like me, found my barbs, hidden in plain sight, but accidentally masked with an overly developed sense of humor. My defense mechanism that allowed most of the good, jovial, content kid survive this long even though he could have easily let resentment disfigure him. Shrugging things off with a quick laugh & a chuckle worthy retort when needed. And sometimes just because I’m uncomfortable. Or I didn’t fully hear you and I felt too awkward to ask for a repeat of what you said! Now I just say I’m kinda deaf. Which is true. Lotta damn loud music to drown out the world, and to feel like I’m in my own damn montage! Real time!

Anyways – back to my super important story. There is a point, I promise,so hold on loosely, but don’t Let go. Ha. –

Where was I…

Ah yes, the child of yesteryear.
So, to summarize a bit, and to avoid a tl;dr (that’s “too long, didn’t read” it’s something people put in at the end of their posts to save the less than willing a long read. I don’t believe in them. Tough shit.)
The summary!

After finishing the bears portion of my childhood here in Shelbyville , I could truly inspect my early life’s path. Inspect it with more mature & discerning eyes, so to say. Over a few years I realized I would have been a different person right now if I stayed in any of those towns. Out of them all,  I think only two would have been comparable, or better in the long run.
It’s with that in mind, that I more easily appreciate all of you. Each one.
My only regret is that as a kid, I couldn’t have known how a simple thing like resentment could so totally Warp a good thing. Hell, I was reading at a college level before I was ten,but that doesn’t count for anything when you’re a kid unable to grasp the finer details in a life that you are simply carried along by. (maybe I didn’t know a lot of the words immediately, but context learning is an acquired skill, and I eventually caught them all – Bam!  Are you catching these, or am I being lame? Ha. Don’t mind me. )

So in a conclusion that really should have been reached a few hundred words ago, but since I’m a talkative type I must fill the page.  It’s up to you to read it.

Conclusion!

I wholeheartedly forgive my mom. One hundred percent. I’m sorry if I let my resentment about things I didn’t understand carry on for far too long. We had some real good times, and unfortunately I was just the sort of kid that forgot about those in the wake of my perceived injustices in life. Me and Daniel (His middle name is Wade,guys. Such a cool freaking name, but he has never used it! Use it for him!)- Me and Daniel have made it this far, and if only one of us does okay, then that one will always move the earth to help the other. And put up with any aggravation, or resistance to do it.
And as for my brother. The best friend I never lost along the way. The one I forgot to remind myself about every time we’d move. Every time I’d stay up deep into the morning, heavily ,so heavily weighted by the thoughts of what my friends were up to without me. Each time I made a mess of myself getting angry with life.
And each time I let small annoyances turn me into the ugly specter of a mean brother.
And last, but most important of all. Each chance I never took to say how much I cared because I was afraid to show it.

I love you Wade. And you should definitely go by Wade for a while. Like, for real. Daniel is cool, but Wade sounds like the cat you go to for a legit fix to any problem, or a damn good time. Totally not just a life mercenary. Totally not just a duck, either. But a duck mercenary! Eh… I mean that still sounds cool,mostly badass, but let’s just test it for a while, yeah?

Ha! The real conclusion!  You fools, I have so many pylons… (ahahaha! You’ll have to look this one up.  “more pylons” that’s all google needs. Ha! Oh man, I’ve been sitting on my stoop for over an hour & a half writing this…)

Sometimes it’s best to just let go. You decide when that is, but trust me when I say that I know what it’s like to hold on for far too long. It will devour every possible good thing you know. You will deprive yourself more easily than you will ever think is fair,or possible. So if it’s not a debt, and it’s not a disease that you should be fighting against with vicious resolve, and it’s not a damned wound where your very life is flowing out at an alarming rate, beckoning you to the other side, taunting you with the hopelessness of your situation – Do what I wish I could tell that funny little,overly kind, too smart for his own damn good-kid all those years ago.

Let it go.

Or at the very least, holy shit, just hold on to the good and never take your eyes off it. Our troubles are real,  but we control the power they have, and through great effort, wield it as a veritable weapon of hope. If you lost someone, think only of the good stuff. If you experienced something traumatic,  I hope you try to see that even though it happened, you don’t have to remind yourself. It’s behind you, you’re still here, and it can make you stronger and far more valuable to other people who might be lost in that void. Help them.
And if, like me, your struggles consisted of countless tiny meteorites constantly bombarding your defenses, wearing you down like rough sandpaper as it attempted to slowly change you for the worse. Realize that you are equally capable of molding yourself into nearly anything you want to be. Resist.
All of you, resist that chasm of depression and help any that you find along the way. By helping them, you help us all, and it comes right back around to you even stronger.

Don’t stop, believin’….hold on to the feelin’!

Ahahaha references for days,son!

—JT out—

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